New Study Reveals: How Your “Lizard Brain” Fucks with Your Wet Dreams

lizard brainStuttgart, Germany

The so-called “Lizard Brain” or brain stem, is the oldest part of the human brain. It has long been theorized that the Lizard Brain is responsible for primitive survival instincts such as aggression and fear (“flight or fight”). A new study released today by The Poly-Analytic Institute of Stuttgart in Germany, suggests that the lizard brain is also a complete asshole.

In a highly structured sleep study spanning over five years, the research group found that erotic, or “wet” dreams, invariably reach the really naughty part just as the alarm clock goes off. While this phenomenon has been previously noted in earlier sleep studies, this was the first attempt to quantify this behavior, as well as determine the cause.

Test subjects in the study were fitted with electrodes that monitored activity in different areas of the  brain, and were abruptly woken by an alarm clock at random times after entering REM sleep. The subjects were then immediately asked to recount their dream if any as they remembered it, at the time they were awakened.

“When we correlated the data, we found a significant connection between activity in the brain stem, the erotic nature of the dream, and the introduction of the alarm.” said Dr. Hans Gruber, lead scientist of the study. “We noted an immediate increase of activity in the brain stem as the alarm went off, up to three seconds before activity began to move out of the REM state in the rest of the brain.”

In summation Dr. Gruber stated, “This is where we discovered the sadistic nature of the brain stem. In a majority percentage of remembered dreams which were erotic in nature, the dreamer recalls the action suddenly going to red-hot just moments before being roused from sleep by the alarm. From this we can only surmise that the “Lizard Brain” becomes aware of the alarm first, grins an evil little grin, cackles like the sadistic little asshole that it is – probably rubs it’s tiny front claws together in glee – I can totally see the scaly little bastard doing that – and cranks up the “steamy action” dial on the dream, just moments before the dream is interrupted.”

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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.