Twitter, NSA Collaborate on “Trump-Safe” Twitter Account

trump no twitterNSA Utah Data Center:

At an unusual press conference that NSA officials have already denied ever took place, representatives of Twitter, Inc (NYSE: TWTR) and the NSA’s Tactical Wideband Adaptive Technology (TWAT) Unit unveiled a joint project designed to protect national security assets and general national interests in the event of what officials now refer to as a Presidential Social Misadventure.

TWAT administrator Raoul Snapjack described the new system and the technology behind it:

“If quantum computers actually existed, we would use two second-generation quantum computers with a terabit connection, running purely theoretical AI software capable of intercepting the Presidential tweet in real time. The system would then analyze the tweet for any security compromises or additional national interest concerns as defined by “top’ people, and sanitize the tweet of any such material, while maintaining the original context and intent of the tweet. This sanitized tweet is then sent out to the Internet with no discernible delay.”

The brief overview was followed by a demonstration of the technology in action, using actual tweets from the President-Elect.

The first sample tweet was from earlier this week:


Which was returned instantly by the system as:


Mr. Snapjack admitted that the system is still in development, and has not yet attained a 100% success rate. This was amply demonstrated when another sample tweet from Mr. Trump  was entered:


With the following result returned:



Immediately prior to the end of the presentation one of the reporters present asked if there were any plans to roll this new account service out to the general public. At that moment the lights went out, several flash-bangs were detonated, and there was a smell of anesthetic gas in the air. When we came to three days later, the entire press corps were strewn about in a Motel Six double room in Pahrump, Nevada wearing nothing but lederhosen and sombreros, stinking of tequila and schnapps.


About The Big Bater 131 Articles
From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.