Joe Biden Opening Coffee Shop for Less Fortunate Lobbyists

unca cuppa joesWashington, DC:

Vice President Joe Biden today unveiled his new post-administration business venture, which he hopes will improve the lot of more disadvantaged lobbyists, often unable to gain congressional or executive access.

Located in the heart of the Capitol Hill Business Improvement District, Unca Cuppa Joe’s Coffee Shop offers the unique and patented Pay it Under system, whereby a lobbyist can leave a smaller sized gift for a member of congress or administration official with complete plausible deniability.

“It’s super simple,” explained the Vice President. “The lobbyist buys a “special” cup for the official they want to influence. The cups are pre-priced at one, five and ten thousand dollars. You see right here on the cup holder? A special pocket for a business card and a note. When the Senator, or Congressman or what have you comes in, they get their Pay it Under cups, filled to the brim with their choice of any of the twelve unique artisanal blends we offer. Then they simply redeem the empty cup for the original purchase price, in cash. Minus a fifteen percent service fee, of course. Simple and efficient, and no outer secretaries to bribe for an appointment, no expensive hookers, just hard-working American lobbyists, doing the business they were sent here to do.”

When asked how he plans to create interest in the new venture among members of the Executive and Legislative branches, Biden quipped, “Listen. I didn’t spend the last eight years with my finger up my ass, you know. I got dirt on everyone in this town. They’ll be here, real regular-like.”

 

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