CERN Supercollider Accidentally Opens Portal to Starbucks in Saddle River, NJ

cern to starbucksSaddle River, New Jersey:

This small community has found itself uncomfortably shoved into the limelight of science and international law when two weeks ago, a routine experiment at Europe’s renowned CERN physics research facility opened a portal through space and time directly in front of the town’s sole Starbucks franchise location.

Local resident Emily Klipschot witnessed the first manifestation of the portal. “I was just coming out of the Seven-Eleven over here, right? And there’s like this weird noise I ain’t never heard before .. sort of a “WUFF” … no not like a dog you jerk, more like opening one of them sealed food things where the air gets all sucked in. And there in front of me I swear to frickin’ god, is this frickin’ circle of light, with people starin’ back at me from inside it! No further than you are from me right now! Ya figure sumthin’ like that happens yer gonna see God, or maybe ET or sumthin, right? But no, all I seen is this bunch of euro-trash looking dudes. They looked as freaked as I felt. I think we was all ready to drop a round in our panties right then and there, I can tell ya.”

Now being referred to as the Charged Wormhole Transfer Anomaly, this phenomenon has been appearing daily at 9:45 AM, just as the local Starbucks announces their half-price brew for the day.

“This whole adventure, or misadventure if you will, completely turns our understanding of the universe upside down,” opined particle physicist Dr. Heinrich Schlatner, as he wiped a bit of steamed milk from his mustache. “This all started as a routine experiment with the supercollider. We weren’t even running it at half power yet. Then suddenly we hear this … how to describe … “WUFF” noise. Just like a small dog might make. And there in front of us is this very American street, with some skanky American woman staring back at us!”

“Here’s the really funny bit, we can’t explain this at all yet. It’s a portal through time as well as space! When we step through the portal at CERN at, say, 11:45 AM Geneva time, we pop out over here exactly 28.53497 hours earlier! Subtract the six hour time difference and that means we appear here at 9:45 AM, the day before we stepped through the portal.”

Meanwhile, the reception by locals has been polite but reserved.

“I mean, I guess it’s great for science and stuff,” complained Chief Barista Kelly Sallerman, “And the head office told us to treat them like royalty. But these guys are all sorta … creepy, you know? I mean, I’m as open minded as the next person. I’ve had diversity training. But these guys just stare at you and bark their orders at you in the worst English I’ve ever heard, you know? I’m still trying to figure out how to spell “Svenge”. You get these guys hopped up on a double latte with triple espresso shots and next thing you know, they’ve grabbed the Daily Specials blackboard and are using it to write all these weird equations. All while yelling at each other in that weird language. Notice they’re all males? I woulda thought Swiss-Land was more progressive than that. Plus, we’re not equipped to accept Euros! I have no idea if they’re ripping us off or not.”

While scientists around the globe are hailing this as a major discovery and cause to anticipate a complete rewrite of the laws of physics, it has also created some international tension. The US Gaming Commission is considering legal action against CERN, as the last four winning PowerBall tickets were all sold at the Seven-Eleven adjoining the Starbucks, one day before before the drawings.

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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.