Westboro Baptist Church Announces New Plan to Protest Itself

wbc-counter-protestTopeka, KS:

After a hastily convened “Congress of The Elders” that lasted until early this morning, Church spokesman and apparent de-facto leader Stefan “Stinky” Drain announced a new plan to counter-protest their own protests, at an early morning press conference just before services.

“Well, old Jimmy over there – he can be a cantankerous sort – he gets to goin’ on about how a couple verses in Kings and Leviticus put together, show anyone having dealings with the gays, even protests, it’s still havin’ congress with ’em, according to Jimmy. I always figured that meant something different but he’s got that big Bible Concordance to back him up. He says that book set him back $49.95 down at the CostCo, can you believe it? So our protests is breakin’ God’s Word. Even if it’s the wimminfolk protesting! Usually they ain’t expected to know any better for themselves but in this case it’s different. Jimmy made a pretty strong case for it.”

“Well then, that riled everyone up some, and it just got louder as it went along. Gramps Fred tried to counter by quoting from Romans II but don’t you know it, he went and quoted from the New American Bible! Might as well be quoting Satan as that rag. God’s will is just clear as day on that! Only one king ever set down and writ a Bible, and that was King James. When another king comes along with a new version, well, we’ll take a look-see. Until then we’re sticking with God’s version!”

“So that left us in a pretty pickle, as you can right imagine! What do we do now? There were those what thought it was time to pack it in and keep to ourselves. Well I don’t need to tell you that’s not going to keep the donations coming in. We needed a different solution.”

Mr. Drain went on to detail the Churches new plan: “So from now on when we are out protesting, our own counter-protesters will tag along. They’ll be there pointin’ out that we shouldn’t be there, just not so loud as our first stringers. We figure this is a good solution and sets us right with God. We still keep our bread-and-butter mission going but we still dot the i’s and cross the t’s.”

“Well I don’t mind sayin’, this may end up doin’ more for us than agin us. God’s will, you know?”

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