Capitol Hill, Washington DC:
Testimony began today as part of the hastily convened Senate investigation into the purportedly wide-spread and flagrant practice by so-called “parody” or “satire” sites to publish completely concocted “news” stories, without first checking if their stories are, indeed, false.
The investigation committee is chaired by Grafton Petticue (D), Senior Senator from East Dakota. Several hundred witnesses from within this questionable “humor” quasi-industry have been subpoenaed to testify over the next several weeks.
The tone of the hearing was quickly set with the opening remarks, in which Mr. Petticue accused “this shadow news industry” of using “the evil triad of humor, parody and satire to mask the true intent of their insidious agenda“.
First to be grilled was The Onion, with Managing Editor Emily Peel giving testimony (excerpt below):
Mr. Petticue: Ms Peel, did you or did you not approve a story entitled “Brad-Gelina Break-up: His Infidelity and Secret Alien Reptoid Love-Child“, which was subsequently published on your employer’s website, the content of which is your responsibility as stated in an earlier question, on September 23rd of this year?
Ms. Peel “Yes, Mr. Chairman.”
Mr. Petticue: “And is Brad Pitt a non-fictional human being?”
Ms. Peel “Why of course.”
Mr. Petticue: “And is Angelina Jolie, likewise, a non-fictional, living person?”
Ms. Peel “Yes, obviously! I don’t see …”
Mr. Petticue: “Most importantly, Ms Peel. What is two hundred and seventy four divided by five?”
Ms. Peel “I … what? What does that …”
Mr. Petticue: “Please try to be cooperative Ms Peel, and stop attempting to evade my questions. Again, getting to the heart of the matter. Do you have staff vetting these stories and ensuring their lack of veracity? Do you personally do any pre-publication research?”
Ms. Peel: “With all due respect Mr. Chairman, this was a story about an affair with an alien …”
Mr. Petticue: “So you admiit you don’t KNOW if Mr. Pitt may have had such an affair, and that union may have resulted in a hybrid offspring! No, you just blindly published this story on a whim, with NO fact checking whatsoever! Isn’t that TRUE, Ms. Peel?”
(Ms. Peel’s response redacted due to inappropriate language and several impolite references to barnyard animals)
Second on the card was The National Report, with the committee then adjourning for Football Sunday. Testimony is scheduled to resume tomorrow at 10:00 AM Eastern Time.
ClicksterBate and our own Flying Car News Team were, curiously, not subpoenaed. Not even a phone call. An email or even a simple text message would have been nice, you know? But no, too much effort I guess.