ShamWow, Chia-Pet Originally Gifts from Alien Emissaries

alien-giftsPahrump, NV

In a joint press conference today, officials from The Department of Homeland Security and The United States Air Force made an earth-shattering announcement:

Earth’s governments have been in contact with alien civilizations for well over four decades, and along with diplomatic relations have established several hitherto top-secret trade agreements. Representatives of the planet Zabulon have been regularly visiting our planet and meeting with world officials. Many of the items that we take for granted today such as the WowSham, Chia-Pet and The Clapper were in fact, some of the trade items that were components of these top-secret interplanetary trade agreements.

USAF Brigadier General Ernst Hurtzoner was the major speaker, aided by a Power Point presentation of archived and previously classified photographs and documents.

“Obviously this information would have caused a major world-wide social upheaval even twenty years ago,” he explained. “But we and our otherworldly counterparts felt the need to make this information public. Firstly, thirty years of science-fiction television shows with … slight … suggestions from us, has changed the world-wide psyche concerning such an interstellar event. The average citizen of today is much less likely to display xenophobic or violent reactions to this news. In addition, we are this close to signing several major franchise deals with the Zabulonians, and the lid was going to blow off of this sooner or later.”

When asked for examples of what was traded for the aliens technology, General Hurtzone replied, “Well we’ve had some sharp dealers working on these trade negotiations. The sharpest. The ShamWow technology, for example, only cost us two vintage Volkswagen Microbuses and Slim Whitman.”


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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.