Keith Richards to Undergo Induced Coma Until New Years 2017, ‘Just to be Safe’

UPDATE (January 1, 2017)
Mr. Richards was successfully revived at 02:45 (UTC) and immediately airlifted to a fashionable party already in progress.

keith-richards-comaUndisclosed ‘Military Medical Bunker’, somewhere near Weston, England:

In a move encouraged and lauded by friends, fans, and record executives alike, rock legend Keith Richards (co-founder of the iconic band The Rolling Stones) will be voluntarily entering a state of induced come until an undisclosed period of time after the ringing in of the New Year (00:00 UTC, Jan 1 2017). Given the rate at which pop icons have been dropping off during the past year, this is seen as a judicious move to keep this year from taking one of the leading candidates for an upcoming grand exit (according to data from Celebrity DeathWatch LTD)

In an unprecedented show of cooperation between Great Britain’s public and private sectors, by a special vote in Parliament the use of a secret “government medical facility” (dubbed the Coma Cave) near Richard’s Weston home was made available to the aging rock star’s tram of medical and legal experts.

“We are talking of a true historical treasure of this island, this nation, this Britain. This is the least we can do to preserve a founding voice of the music movement started on these shores so many decades ago,” opined MP Edgeworthy Smyth-Pyle (Grossling-on-the-Downs). “And if you only knew the rate we’re getting for the rental. And by the hour, no less!”

The United States has also stepped up to the plate in what has become an international show of cooperation by providing several cutting edge, experimental coma-inducing medications and specialists from Walter Reed Hospital trained in their use, to the British medical team.

Reaction to this unprecedented proactive move has been enthusiastically positive. Columnist Skitch Reesling of pop-culture magazine Cultural Brulee called it “The biggest thing in international cooperation since the Lend-Lease Act”.

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