‘NCFL: Non-Confrontational Football League’ Announced, Pre Season Games Begin This Spring

Portland, OR:

There’s a new football game in town, and it’s bursting onto the field in a big way. Today’s fair-trade breakfast celebration marks the beginning of a full week of meetings and conferences needed to add the finishing touches to The Non-Confrontational Football League (NCFL) here in the city of Portland.

“Right now, our immediate goal is building our image, our brand,” League Acting Chairman Gus Gnarlweather told our own Flying Car News Team. “We’ve got a short window of time to establish our identity with America’s sports-hungry audience, but I’ve got nothing but positive feelings that we’ll reach all of our goals. We need to be a household name, and insure that no one could possibly mistake us for similarly named organizations such as the National Catholic Forensic League, the famed speech and debate league. You know it’s kind of funny, our scouts are actively scoping that other NCFL for possible inductees to our farm teams.”

“Our most challenging and primary goal is of course, eliminating the major obstacle to achieving true equality that currently plagues all sports programs. I’m speaking of course, about athletic privilege. For far too long, participation in any advanced level of sports activity has been restricted to this privileged class. We intend to change all of that.”

The rules of play for the new league are quite different from the sport most Americans are used to, emphasizing conflict-resolution and esteem-building techniques over physical or ‘overly aggressive‘ tactics. When asked what sets the NCFL apart from the other Major Football league, Mr. Gnarlweather was quite enthusiastic. “The basic strategy of the game, the spirit if you will, remains the same. But the strategies and tactics have been updated to a more modern and inclusive reflection of today’s society. At the start of play, the opposing teams break off into discussio groups to dialog on why one team or the other should be gaining ground. We call this basic segment of play ‘panelling‘. That’s where the exquisite strategy of the new game really shines, in how the coach and the Truster Back choose to deploy their groups and in what proportions.”

“Of course, the radically different style of play does change the flow of the game a bit, but I’m confident that fans will grow to appreciate it. The average game runs roughly 18 hours, for instance. Here we’ve had a lot of excitement from potential advertisers regarding game length on our planned Diverse Sports Programming Network (DSPN). Many are planning new extended format commercials (up to twenty minutes in length) to cover the longer panelling plays.”

The first season is expected to wrap up in late fall with the Super Intentions Bowl. Portland will host this championship game this year.


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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.