Venezuela Celebrates ‘Great Success’ of National Weight Loss Initiative

Government run Health and Diet Center (formerly Supermarket) in Caracas
Government-run Health and Diet Center (formerly Supermarket) in Caracas

Caracas, Venezuela:

Today was officially proclaimed a National Day of Celebration in this impoverished nation, as major government-regulated newspapers carried front-page banner headlines declaring  ¡ÉXITO! (SUCCESS!), in relation to the governments hitherto unannounced National Health and Diet Program.

“We have met, and exceeded, our own projections in this effort to provide a healthier, less bourgeois lifestyle for our beloved people.” stated Minister of Interior Caloric Restrictions Emilio Montoya, in a prepared statement. “Not only is every Venezuelan now a millionaire due to our grand Wealth Creation Initiative, we are all much fitter and trimmer thanks to this truly revolutionary program!”

“Of course, the Capitalist Imperialists to the North have already attempted to smear this great achievement. By now many of you have seen the lies in their propaganda rags, claiming that the average per-citizen weight loss of 19 pounds is somehow a bad thing. Pure imperialist drivel. They tried the same thing last year concerning our fantastically successful Back to Nature Cuisine Program, where our heroic citizens were encouraged to capture and eat the wild animals in our great national zoos. But we have persevered, we have weathered their storm of hate and greed, and we have emerged victorious!”

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