Local Company offers ‘Cult of The Month Club’

cult-of-the-monthSchawumpta, WI:

Local entrepreneur Clovis Phlattsnack has combined her two passions in her new business: A successful mail-order subscription program, and her love of new, trend-setting cults. Her new company CreedCrate™ offers a unique package of all books, attire and implements needed to perform the sacred rituals of a new up and coming religion, delivered monthly for $79.95 plus shipping and handling.

“This is just a dream come true for me,” Ms Phlattsnack told our own Flying Car News Team. “I’ve tried my hand at creating subscription programs for years, but I just never quite reached that brass ring. Pet of the Month Club, Monthly Sushi Club, you name it, I gave it a go. But this time, I’ve focused on something near and dear to my own heart. I’ve been joining cults since I was fifteen, sometimes two or three at once! That can get sorta confusing, I can tell ya!”

“You would think that a business like this should be out on the West Coast, I mean that’s where about 60 percent of your American cults spring up from. That’s not to say the Appalachians and parts of Arkansas haven’t had their fair share of classics, like The Halitosians or The Oracle of The Great Vnu. But anyways, thanks to the Internet, I can find more interesting cults and schisms in a day than I used to find in a month of road tripping. Most of these religious groups are starving for publicity, and are usually happy to license out their religion to me in exchange for a mention of their website. And that translates to a nice margin for me, I can tell ya!”

creed-crate“For now I’m sticking mainly with the home-grown American cults, and avoiding the ones involving live goats. Sorta learned my lesson there on the second CreedCrate™ we sent out. The Post office was none too happy with me for a spell after that fiasco. After we finish up the first year, I’m planning to add more of an international variety, allow for a more customized cult experience. Our customers will have a monthly menu of cult options to choose from, whether they like the home-grown variety or want to go for a more exotic taste.”

 

 

About The Big Bater 131 Articles
From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.