Local Man Stockpiles Enough Breakup Songs To Cover Next Five Relationships

stockpile-breakup-songsSchawumpta, WI:

Local dating scene veteran and journeyman accountant Melvin Schlibbs is no stranger to the breakup blues, especially when it comes to appropriately maudlin post-relationship music choices.

“Hey ya know, just after a breakup, you’re all like, vulnerable and stuff, ya know?” He told our own Flying Car News Team during the Lunchtime Toofer Beer Hour at the Beer’N’Steer in downtown Schawumpta. “And if you ain’t prepared, a song can just sneak up and sucker-punch ya right in the emotions. Pow. Just like that. That can be pretty embarrassing, ya know? So after my last relationship tanked, I decided I wanna be prepared from now on, know what I can bear to hear when I can, and stay away from the songs I ain’t really ready for. Kinda like baby steps through the grieving process I guess.

But yeah, no one can predict the future, right? Some breakups you might feel like hearing “Rosanna”. Others, like that witch Susan, “In the Air Tonight” fills the bill. So I came up with a system, ya know?

I looked back at all the times I broke up, what sorta girl I’d been with, and what sorta songs hit me the most after breaking up. So I came up with this list of traits like, both good and bad. And then I started figuring out what songs were the most powerful, under different combinations of good and bad traits.

Well that certificate course in Microsoft Excel I took last year really came in handy here. What I did was, I took all of the positive personality traits I liked from all my old girlfriends, and put them all in the top row here, ya see? Then I took the negatives, an listed them right here down the first column. So what I ended up with was this matrix of 37 positives wide, by 112 negatives high. Then I just filled each intersecting cell with a song title that best matched both the positive and negative personality trait.”

Melvin says he is thinking of developing his system further. He sees the the possibility of eventually offering it commercially as an application for smartphones, designed to work in conjunction with popular music streaming services.


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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.