Archeologists Uncover 3,000 Year Old Record of Humanity’s Last Original Thought

cuneiform-last-original-thoughtDhali, Cyprus:

Archeology Professors and graduate students from the Plissken Polytechnic Institute of Sarasota, FL recently made big noise in the dusty world of archeology, with their startling discovery of evidence of the last known original thought generated by a member of the human race.

Dr. Isenmore Phlippant PhD, the expedition lead, took a few moments away from digging to explain the discovery to our own Flying Car News Team. “This is by far, the most significant find I’ve ever had the honor of taking all the credit for. As I’m sure you well know, the city kingdom of Idalion flourished as the most prominent of the ten city kingdoms on Cyprus during the sixth and seventh centuries B.C. Look around you, at this tiny village of Dhali. This unassuming little armpit you see around you today was once one of the cultural centers of the Post-Mesopotamian Era. Everyone who was anyone came through here at one point or another, back in the historical day.”

Dr. Phlippant then led us to a small tent near the edge of the dig activity. “Here, this is what all the fuss is about,” he said proudly as we entered the dim enclosure. There on a card table, under a transparent plastic sheet, lay a squarish stone of about one foot in width by half the same long. The surface was covered with strange markings and pictograms, which Dr. Phlippant informed us was called cuneiform.

“This clay cuneiform tablet is a large fragment of the official daily Court Records kept by King Hafunhaf, who ruled here over three thousand years ago,” Dr. Phlippant continued. “While this fragment, alas, does not include the date of transcription, we have been able to narrow down the date range by the nature of the topics discussed. I’m positive that carbon dating will help us further define it’s exact age. Most of the fragment covers a presentation given to the King by one Alzur The Humorous, whom we believe carried the official court title of ‘Keeper of The Mirth’. Here it details the King’s displeasure at the often repeated humorous stories Alzur has been telling, when Alzur suddenly blurts out:

‘Taketh thee mine concubine. This boon I beg of thee.’

Students at the Idalion Dig in Dhali, Cyprus

Immediately after this pronouncement, we see the King is reported as giving quite the regal belly-laugh, and promises Alzur that he shall not be executed. At least, not on that day.”

“This is the first record known of ‘Take my wife, please‘ in recorded history. And given the environment and context in which it was uttered, I’m confident that this is a record of an original thought. And despite it’s age, it is the most contemporary example of an original thought in all of human history. We’re archologists. We keep track of such things, you know.”

As our conversation came to a close, Dr. Phlippant added, “This is a paradigm shift in our records of original thought. Previous to this, it was believed that an inscription in the tomb of Egyptian Pharoh Tutenruten that proclaimed “You deserve a break today” to be the last recorded original thought. But this find came at least five hundred years later.”


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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.