New Service Lets You Remotely & Anonymously Check Annoying Friends Pulse

Pahrump, NV:

Located in an unassuming converted feed store in downtown Pahrump, HealthYelp Medical Monitorig Systems, LLC has aspired to be a leader in the medical monitoring and alert industry for well over a decade. Having failed at that, the company announced a bold move today into the world of consumer electronics and social media mashups, with the introduction of the Stil-Kikkin life activity monitor.

While the concept and technology used are very similar (some might say identical) to medical monitors marketed by HealthYelp and its competitors, the new device is being marketed to an entirely new demographic: Consumers who all have that one asshole friend that they still care about, but don’t necessarily want around a lot. The device allows anonymous monitoring of that friends vitals, available any time of the day or night.

The Stil-Kikkin monitor resembles a stylish wristwatch (available in a faux chrome or faux wood case). The device measures several galvanic variables including pulse rate, skin temperature and electro-dermal activity, and transmits this data back to the company mainframe every two minutes.

The hardware monitor retails for $79.95, and offers the unique concept of ‘crowdpurchasing‘ – several friends and acquaintances ot the intended recipient can anonymously chip in on the purchase of the device. The monitoring service costs $7.99 per month, and can also be evenly split among several people.

The device is then shipped to the recipient. To encourage wear, it is presented as a camera designed specifically for taking dick-pics and automatically sending them off to randomly selected social media accounts. While the device simulates the functions of a camera and reports that the latest image has been transmitted, no actual photo is taken or file sent.

HealthYelp CEO and founder Shalandra Van De Graaff gave a brief overview and product demonstration during the company’s roll-out announcement in Pahrump this morning.

“This is a market we’ve long felt was ignored. There are solutions a-plenty for those annoying great aunts or third cousins, most of whom are on some form of life support anyways. We aren’t trying to address needs concerning¬† those people.

No, we’re talking that friend who shows up at your house after bar time, drinks all your beer, pees all over your bathroom, and repeats for the 452nd time the story about how he still loves all his old girlfriends, despite the restraining orders. And then passes out on your leather couch. And pees on that in his sleep. The sort of friend whose visits would otherwise be deemed forcible home invasions, if he could not always make you feel guilty about taking a punch for you from a psychotic biker, that time at Sturgis.”


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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.