DNR Considers Rescheduling Future Eclipses to Weekends and Holidays

future-eclipsesWashington, DC:

In a scheduled press conference this morning, Department of Natural Resources spokesmodel Geoffrey Trippenstainer made references to an internal study underway within the department, to determine the benefits of scheduling solar eclipses and other unnamed ‘solar events‘ to weekends or holidays, citing ‘improvements in productivity to both the public and private sectors’.

“Seriously, just look at the labor cost advantages alone,” said Mr. Trippenstainer. “What’s gonna happen in a few hours? Well I’ll tell ya. Work is going to grind to a complete halt today, just so everyone can run outside to watch this ‘event’. Unconscionable. Let’s treat it like any other event, at a convenient time with additional opportunities for event-related marketing and cross-merchandising, without disrupting the everyday work-flow. It just makes way too much sense not to consider!”


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Noted science aficionado and conspiracy theorist John 'Tinfoil' Acheson currently helms our Science Desk. John works tirelessly to bring you the latest wonders from the cutting-edge world of science and technology, WHO is really responsible, and WHY.