Local Man Scours Internet for ‘Ultimate’ Trivial Issues to Obsess Over

search-for-trivial-issueSchawumpta, WI:

Local part-time gadfly and self-published author Leon Schneppl is on a mission. The recent uproar over NFL® players kneeling during the National Anthem has the self-help guru concerned about the ongoing emotional well-being of his fellow planet-mates. And so the local near-celebrity is spending his days and nights searching every dusty, near forgotten corner of the Internet, looking for the most trivial issues to share with a world in need of ever increasing amounts of pointless drama.

Our own Flying Car News Team caught up with Mr. Schneppl at today’s Lunchtime Twofer Drink Special at the Beer’n’Steer in downtown Shawumpta. “This is a big issue. Really is. Maybe the biggest ever. Not the current NFL® issue per se, I’m talking the need of a weary nation for new and ever more inconsequential things to stress about and argue over. Hey we gotta have something to distract us from the real issues we face. Things like the National Debt and whatnot. Now those issues are some tough mothers to try and wrap your brain around. No one wants to be faced with that every day! No, we need issues that have no impact whatsoever on our lives, that we can build up into all sorts of hot steaming debate and near-riot activity. Much more healthy. Leave all those other ‘unspeakable’ issues to be dealt with by more competent hands.”

We asked Mr. Schneppl what he thought of the current NFL® crisis. “Ya know, it’s pretty close to a perfect storm. Really close. But, it’s still got too much of a chance for direct or non-direct impact on the real lives of some folk. I mean you got these NFL® players, they’re running a risk of gettin’ fired over this. Now if that ain’t a real impact on someone’s life, then I guess I just don’t know what is. No, what we all really need are urgent matters that have as close to zero real impact on the world as possible. The more vacuous the issue, the more you can really sink your teeth into it and thrash that sucker around like a hell-hound who got hold of one of Scratch’s old shoes, ya know?”

When asked if his search has been fruitful, Mr Schneppl gave us an enthusiastic smile. “I got two in the old hopper right now, matter of fact,” he told us. “Two real gems that I think everyone’s gonna love. One contentious issue is the debate over which cat is smarter: Siamese or Russian Blue? The other one is why you should never, ever face your garden gnomes to the east. Those two are a good start, but I ain’t giving up my search yet, no sir!”

 

About The Big Bater 128 Articles

From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.