Secret Plan to Distract President from Twitter Backfires, Trump Now Addicted to World of Warcraft

trump-world-of-warcraftWashington, DC:

The nation’s capitol is in a melee this morning, after news broke of a secret initiative to wean President Trump of his obsession with Twitter, the popular social messaging platform.

Allegedly referred to by top-level insiders as ‘MWA‘ (Make Warcraft Great Again), the secret initiative involved manipulation of the president’s schedule to keep him away from his cell phone, tinkering with the phone’s battery so that it never held more than a ten minute charge, and urging the president to become familiar with the massively popular online role-playing game World of Warcraft™, as a way to be perceived as more of a ‘man of the people’.

The plan has reportedly backfired, as the President spends an ever increasing amount of time playing the game, leading to several unexplained cancellations of long-planned meetings and events where President Trump was to attend.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would neither confirm nor deny the story, stating only that ‘A full press investigation’ is being conducted into how the story originated.

The story was initially broken by 14 year old Nelson “Griefer” Noslen, of Schawumpta, Wisconsin. Nelson is currently a Level 104 player in the game and champion of several regional tournaments, and was secretly brought into the White House to coach the Chief Executive on gameplay. The online gaming phenom spent the entire month of last August in a ‘highly restricted’ area of the West Wing, ready to tutor the President at a moment’s notice, 24 hours a day.

“Yeah it was a really sweet gig, yanno?” Mr. Noslen told our own Flying Car News Team in a Skype interview. “Don’t think I ever had to spend more than two hours a day tutoring dude. And then it was like a half an hour here, fifteen minutes there, yanno? I’d get a call on this special phone in this cool little apartment they gave me, that meant I had about ten minutes to get set up for a gaming session. Other than that, it was just non-stop Netflix and pizza rolls. Sweet. Really sweet.”

When asked why he chose to break the story, the plucky lad replied, “Yeah, well they had me sign a whole crap-load of forms, secrecy act and stuff. At first I figured I better just chill about it. But my uncle Lenny, he’s a lawyer, yanno? And when he heard about this from Mom, he comes right over. Says that none of that stuff is legally binding, because I’m under age. Says there is no way the Federal Government would try to go after a kid. Says I might have to return the fee I got, but he figures we’ll get twice that from the book deal. Sweet!”

A White House source who spoke on condition of anonymity confirmed the story. “It’s turning into a complete meltdown. He just locks himself in the Oval Office for hours on end. He claims he’s working on secret negotiations, but we know he’s in there playing. He turns the volume up so damn loud we can hear it in the antechamber, despite the room supposedly being soundproofed.”

“And to top it all off, he’s still on the damn twitter, just as much if not more so. We never figured he’d be able to multitask between the two. Who knew?”

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From his cliffside villa near the apex of Mount Landfill on the outskirts of Schawumpta, WI, The Big Bater keeps a keen eye on world events both real and imagined, striving to provide the freshest satire available on the planet. Or off.