Every morning, millions of red-blooded Americans wake up to the same vexing question:
“If The Zombie Apocalypse were to happen today, who would be left to like my stuff on Facebook?”
Time to chillax on that score, Jackson. A stress-fatigued nation can now exhale one huge collective sigh of relief (best to be upwind of that, though) thanks to your really hip and trendy pals at ClicksterBate.
Now you have Z-SURANCE. Even as society crumbles and the body count rises as your friend count falls, someone will always be there to like, laugh or cry with you on your timeline. Even poke you from time to time. Our team of Certified Social Media Technicians, working from multiple undisclosed bunkers across the nation, will give your posts the loves and likes they deserve.
Your new Z-SURANCE Policy is available in two different flavors:
Individual Policy (Paperless Online) $1 USD
What you’ll get:
Your Policy (PDF, digitally delivered)
You’ll read in style through your voluminous new Z-Surance policy. Loaded with the absolute latest in addendums, exceptions, codicils and footnotes! Yes, it’ll be as easy a read as the user agreement for that Cheese of the Month club you signed up for. But hey, don’t sweat it. There’s nothing bad in there, really. We love you. We would never try to take advantage of the fact that your eyes glaze over after the first paragraph of legalese. That’s just not our style. Your new policy is so confusing, your friends will think it’s a real insurance policy!
Individual Policy (Documents Mailed to You) $6 USD
What you’ll get:
Your Printed Policy
The same as the electronic document, beautifully printed in multiple shades of gray on Certified Cerebral Material Free paper to avoid attracting zombies. A great gift to leave in your safety deposit box, sure to cause hours of amusing consternation as your heirs try to figure out how to cash in the policy!
Z-SURANCE ‘Seal of Protection’ Button and Zombie Defense Weapon
You’ll proudly display this premium button sporting the friendly Z-SURANCE logo, and many a wink and a nod will be had as you come across literally thousands of our logo-emblazoned customers in your daily routine. This button can also be used for dozens of other sundry chores, such as smashing creepy-ooky crunchy bugs with an easy-to-clean surface, free of bug guts with one simple wipe across your pants.
In fact, we receive tons of letters every hour from grateful customers telling us of even more uses for this wonderful product that we never would have thought of in a million years! Mainly because we’re just not that crazy. I mean, come on folks. It’s just a button. There are other things you could be doing with your lives.
And only you and fellow policy holders will know the extra-special secret hidden behind this badge of social media protection.
By simply removing the button and bending the pin outward, you are now armed with our advanced-tech Zombie Brain-Stabby Weapon! Certified to be up to partially effective by zombie defense experts, just a few hundred jabs with the Zombie Brain-Stabby Weapon may probably bring down any decrepit brain gobbling ghoul.
So even while many of your Facebook friends are either defending a rooftop or attending an an impromptu neighborhood pot-luck (as guest or entrée), your Facebook page won’t suffer from neglect.
Don’t Delay, protect your social media today!
Z-SURANCE Policy Application
Disclaimer: While all customers will receive the material as represented in this offer, the insurance policy, as an actionable document, is for entertainment purposes only. In the event of an actual Zombie Apocalypse, what are you kidding me? I’ll be running for the hills, screaming the whole way in true girly-man fashion. Likely I’ll forget to even grab my cell phone, much less a laptop or other computer. Please rest assured however, that I will graciously process your payment and in the comradely spirit of entertainment, shall work diligently to discover new methods of being personally entertained using your money.
Richard M. Nixon
John L. Acheson